Today I'm going to put myself out there and write about something very personal, something that not many people know about me and even more will never know about me. I suffer from "SAD", otherwise known as Seasonal Affective Disorder, a type of depression that occurs during the same season each year, my season happens to be winter (which is most common).
"It is believed that SAD affected people react adversely to the decreasing amounts of sunlight and the colder temperatures as the fall and winter progress. Seasonal affective disorder is about four times more common in women than men....Seasonal affective disorder seems to develop from inadequate bright light during the winter months. Researchers have found that bright light changes the chemicals in the brain. Exactly how this occurs and the details of its effects are being studied. While those specific mechanisms remain undetermined, factors like low vitamin D levels in the blood are found to be associated with a higher occurrence of seasonal affective disorder. Although there is no specific diagnostic test for the illness, it is understood that symptoms of seasonal affective disorder include tiredness, fatigue, depression, crying spells, irritability, trouble concentrating, body aches, loss of sex drive, poor sleep, and decreased activity level.The symptoms of seasonal affective disorder typically tend to begin in the fall each year, lasting until spring. The symptoms are more intense during the darkest months."
While many people anticipate the arrival of winter, with excitement of the new fresh falling snow, the skiing, the snowmobiling, building of snowmen and forts, snowball fights, colder temperatures, sweatshirts, scarves, hot cocoa and curling up in front of a warm fireplace....I anticipate the coming of winter with fear, anxiety, sadness, anger and hatred (yes, hatred). The falling of snow can literally make me cry as if the world were ending. The idea of having to drive in a storm or on snow covered roads can send me into a full blown panic attack
(being in several car accidents during the winter months has made driving absolutely terrifying for me). Dark, overcast, foggy and/or gloomy days make my life feel hopeless and are very trying at times. On days like those, I often find myself staring off into the "nothing", thinking "too deeply" about life, and just wishing the days away. There are days I literally have to fight with myself to NOT crawl back in bed (I've succeeded in this endeavor), its a struggle. I don't talk about my struggles (in fact, I rarely, if ever, share them)...in public I will always "put on the happy face" and "pretend" as if I'm a "normal" (is there really a "normal" though??), hoping that by so doing this, I won't bring on unwanted attention (I HATE ATTENTION and have never wanted it!!) or let on that I feel like running away from the world. I've heard it all....
"just don't let yourself get into those dark places, SAD isn't a "real thing", embrace the cold and snow because we will have the heat soon, cheer up, move on, get out more, find new hobbies, tell yourself that your happy...." REALLY???....do these people think I LIKE TO FEEL THIS WAY???...NO, NEVER, not at all!! I am typically a happy person (at least I like to think I am....guess not everyone would feel that way). I like to laugh, I like to let my hair down, I like to sing at the top of my lungs when I am driving alone, I like to be busy and have projects to do, I like to do the same things that other "happy" people do....BUT winter is just SO hard sometimes. There are those people that have said, "....
if its so bad, why don't you move?!"...Well for many reasons: I like where I live, I like my town, I like having my family being close, I like my house, the summer months...so relatively speaking, its a good place to live and I won't be moving! I have dealt with SAD for years,(living in different areas even), I would dare say its been 25+ years. Some years have been worse than others. I've discovered that everyone has struggles and issues in their lives. Are mine worse or more difficult than anyone elses?....NO, they are only different. I've tried many things to "HELP" me get through the dark days. I use a special "light therapy" every day from the middle of November until late April. I exercise daily, (regardless of how I feel). I try to eat healthy, steering clear from high does of sugary foods. I also use herbal oils and daily meditation....all these things help...but don't CURE the illness. I'm grateful for the good days, for the sunshine and blue sky days, for the days I can bundle up and walk outside. I'm grateful for the days I can smile and for the times I can laugh. I am grateful for people who try to understand, who validate my feelings and that understand that SAD is "real", and that winter isn't "fun" for all people. I am grateful for hugs, hello's and smiles from people who don't even know I might be having a bad day.
I don't want sympathy, I don't want pity, I don't want a pat on the back and to hear that "everything is going to be okay"....I don't want to be treated like I "have a problem". I am sure there are those who are asking right now...."SO WHY ARE YOU WRITING ABOUT THIS??" Well....let me tell you why I am writing about this...I want others to know that SAD is REAL and can affect all walks of people, THAT people who seem happy, may not really be what they seem to be all of the time. THAT just because life's battles have been won in your life today, someone else may not have won their personal battles today. I'm writing this to say, BE a LITTLE more KIND, BE a LITTLE more UNDERSTANDING to those you are around, BE a LITTLE more PATIENT...you never know when someone is fighting a battle that you know nothing about. Life takes each of us onto paths that cross the lives of others...share your joy, your laughter, your time, your smiles, your kind words. DON'T be quick to judge someone else, DON'T be quick to say something hurtful that you will regret later...remember that my battle today might be yours tomorrow....TREAT OTHERS the way you hope to be treated. I'm writing this to say that, "I know that the sun will come out "tomorrow", that life gets better, that all days aren't "dark" and "gloomy"....I'm writing this to say that I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that spring and summer will come....that winter won't be here forever...I KNOW all those things, and so do many others who suffer and fight and deal with SAD....WE just have to take one day at a time, just like everyone else. Tomorrow is a new day, and often, its a better day.
Remember to..."BE someones SUNSHINE when their SKIES are GREY"
