Whose "AfRaiD" of the big bad wolf...the big bad wolf....

I like to think that everyone is "AFRAID" of something and maybe that isn't true...but in my small little mind, I like to think so. I will be the first to admit that I am afraid of many things: snakes, spiders (especially swallowing them in my sleep), the dark, dieing, disappointing other people, not being true to myself...my list goes on and on. BUT one thing that I am truly TERRIFIED of are slick roads. I have been in 5 accidents (4 in one day) on weather related roads. All but 1 accident, I was a passenger in the vehicle. Four of the accidents were in the winter, on snowy, icy roads and one was on wet, rainy roads where we hydroplaned...all of which left me with an extreme fear of sliding, fish tailing, spinning,  rolling and being hit by other vehicles. I have tried over the years to force myself to drive on bad ("bad" by my specifications) roads and have forced myself to ride with others on bad roads...all in hopes to "break myself" from this debilitating fear. (NOTHING has worked) For me, being on bad weather roads does more than just turn my knuckles white...it sends me into panic mode. The fear of not only MY vehicle going out of control, but those around me as well,  is all too real. Whether I am behind the wheel or someone else is, I feel as though I can't breath, I can't concentrate and I can't control the uncontrollable shaking that comes from deep within my body....I am terrified and I want out of the vehicle!!!! I've had people make fun of me, roll their eyes and tease me, get upset, been disappointed, been hurt and even call me ridiculous, when I have had to cancel outings, appointments or trips...because of the weather. TO ME (and maybe only  ME) it is a VERY REAL fear...a terrifying, overwhelming FEAR. Some people are frightened by high places, some are scared of flying in airplanes, some people are scared of tight spaces, some people are afraid of water, some people are afraid of mice, some are afraid of fire...I am AFRAID of slick roads...(or even the possibility of them.) Its as REAL TO ME as anyone else's fear is to them. I have cried MANY tears behind closed doors because I can't conquer this problem (more than I like to admit). It's a debilitating, controlling and often NOT understood...FEAR!  Once last year my daughter had placed 3rd in an elementary school contest and was going to go on to the district level to compete. I was very excited for her to be going, as was she. It was the parents responsibility to make sure that their children got to the place where the district contest would be held and back home again. On the day of the contest we awoke to find that it was raining outside...I figured I would be tough and brave the trip and do this for her, although I was scared to death. We got into the car and headed north 25 minutes to where the school was. As we got out of town and up to  higher ground we found that it had snowed, the wind had (and was still) been blowing, freezing some of the rain and snow to the roads. The snow plows had been out and had sanded the road so I continued to press forward. I had my vehicle in 4-wheel drive and felt like it would be alright, even though my hands were shaking and I was near tears at this point. My daughter was talking to me  (I think, testing the water because she knew that I was frightened) about the contest and how it would be okay if we didn't go. BUT I could tell that she really wanted to go and was just saying that for my benefit. We continued to drive...but at a very slow pace. I could see in the tracks on the road where people had slid over into the other lane and off the side and it made my blood pressure rise....yet still I was determined to get her to this contest. As we came up over a hill I looked at the road and it looked as though the snow and slush was just frozen in place. The wind had blown the rain covered weeds on the side of the road, and bent them over, freezing them in an odd position. I knew the road was going to continue to get worse the higher we got (it had already proven that)...I couldn't handle it anymore. I broke down and the tears started to flow, running down my face. My daughter said, "Mom, it's okay, it's not that big of a deal. We can just go back. I won't feel bad." It just tore my heart out!!!! I felt like the biggest wimp, the biggest baby and such a waste of the human race. I trudged on a bit longer (mainly because I was going to prove to myself that I COULD do this) before I finally said, "Okay" and we turned around to come back home. We made it back without incidence and I dropped her back off at the school. I cried all the way home and for quite awhile after I got back into my house. It was awful! WHY can't I just get over this??? WHY does this fear have to control my life??? WHY can't I just be tough like everyone else??? WHY can't I feel safe on the roads???? WHY do I feel guilty because I CAN'T be brave???? WHY do I feel bad because other people DON'T understand my fear??? I don't know the answer to any of those questions. I don't know when or if I ever will. I have beat myself up over this particular incident with my daughter, many times. I have beat myself up over MANY other incidences where I "can't go" places because the roads "might" be bad. I don't know if I will ever over come my fear of "bad roads"...I don't know if it will ever go away. BUT one thing that I do know....It's a VERY real fear for me, yes, even a debilitating fear and something that I hope no one else ever has to deal with. BUT in the case that you do...know that you aren't alone...and that "IT'S OKAY, because everyone is afraid of something.